I was about 12 or 13 years old.
I was in my 7th grade year,
and it was one of the worst years of my life.
I had a tough time in school,
and a tough time on the bus,
and did not want to go to school,
and often did not.
It was a miracle I even made it to 8th grade
(and that miracle was in no small part my
German Teacher who brought assignments
to my house, and frequently taught me there).
I was often angry.
I often had outbursts of temper.
I often felt like I was going to explode.
I threatened to commit suicide.
I felt insane.
I felt very much alone.
My poor grandparents - not in the best of health - were likely beside themselves.
What to do about Liz.
I was raised a Christian Scientist (no, not Scientology), but still got my shots, and still went to the doctor, but rarely.
Probably at a loss as to what to do, and needing some reprieve from the
chaos I seemed to creating, my grandmother took me to a psychiatrist who
had an accent and a secretary with really long nails. He asked me questions,
essentially asking why I was acting as I was.
I don't remember my answers, but I know I "justified" my emotions by how
my life was. I didn't know who my father was. I didn't live with my parents.
I didn't have a "normal" family. I mentioned things in my life that would seem
to justify my anger and emotions.
Funny thing, though, deep down I think I knew it didn't really make "sense"
that I'd be so angry from these things. After all, my life had always been
that way, why suddenly was I (the "good" kid) an erupting volcano?
The doctor prescribed a medication. I knew it as a "calming down" medicine.
It was a liquid, and 10 drops would go into orange juice. I never wanted to
take the medicine, and since my grandmother couldn't see too well, whenever I
could get away with less drops, I did.
I don't remember much about those times, but do remember a few outbursts
of anger, and even putting my foot through a wall. The following year,
in an attempt to help me, my grandmother sent me to a boarding school.
It was one of the best things that ever happened to me in part, I think,
because I got out of that environment, but the first couple of years were
still pretty bumpy.
Now that I am an adult, I can look back on that time and ask questions.
Unfortunately, there is really no one to ask. However, what I did find
out was that probably even two years earlier, I was already beginning to
show signs of the "trouble" that was coming.
I have also discovered as my adult self, that I am what some would call
"intuitive." Intuition can come in many forms. There are "labels" that
go with these forms, but basically you can hear, see, feel, experience
things that some might call you crazy for. I suppose it depends on how
it exhibits itself as to whether you can get paid to be a psychic, or
pay someone to give you drugs.
I have discovered that the roller coaster ride of emotions that I have
often felt in my life often have a lot to do with those around me. If
someone is up, I could feel up. If someone is down, I can feel down.
If someone was to ask me why I feel as I do, I could "justify" it with
something that was happening in my life.
When I look back on my 7th grade year, I remember how unhappy my
grandmother was. She was in a wheelchair, and could barely see.
She was diabetic. She and my grandfather fought all of the time.
There was always lots of yelling, which always was extremely
upsetting and unsettling to me.
I suspect that I was picking up on their anger, their frustration,
their sadness, and that it became "mine," since when you don't
know that you're picking up on another, whose feeling - other
than your own - could it be?
I also suspect now that my threats to commit suicide came from my
grandmother as well. Although she never said it, I wouldn't be
surprised if she didn't want to live any more, and I interpreted
it as, "I want to die."
The thing was, though, I was never really serious about it. The
times I'd say it would feel pretty hollow, and yet, I was truly
upset and angry and frustrated.
Being raised as I was, anything psychic, or along those lines,
was "dark" was "of the devil." For the most part they were
never spoken of.
No one would ever have known the things that I know now. There
was no one who could truly help me because they were treating
the symptoms without addressing the cause. And any "cause"
that anyone came up with was nothing like what I have come to
discover about myself.
There was - and is - nothing wrong with me. What was happening,
if it had been identified properly - could have been treated in
a way that wouldn't have had me stifling the horrible emotions
that I felt.
It would likely never have included medicine.
Does any of this seem like anything you've experienced?
As a result of these experiences, and my current awareness (which,
by the way, makes me the most "unique" member of my family) I
believe that I am not alone in this.
Whenever I share this story, others can relate. This is another
reason I believe what I do.
I have spoken with a mother who recognized her young child's
behavior in my experiences.
I have spoken to a 20-something woman who felt I understood her
and her experience in a way no one else ever had.
I have spoken to adults who know of that "roller coaster" ride.
How I am, I believe is - in some part - in everyone. How it is
dealt with, how it is expressed (or not), how it is acknowledged
or labelled or treated, may vary, but many people know exactly
what I am talking about.
I wasn't crazy. I just felt crazy because I didn't know what
was going on, and didn't know how to deal with it, and no one
else around me did either. And, to make matters worse, the treatment
only made things worse for me.
Would you think that there was any beauty in this?
For me, there is. I know what's going on now, and not only that,
but I have a way to interact with it that can be empowering. The
best part is that I get to share what I know with people who might
need to hear that they're OK, despite what others may lead them
to believe.
I am a Coach and a Certified Hypnotist who is able to help in a
myriad of ways. However, the one thing I need to be clear about
is that I am not a psychiatrist or a medical professional. I
will never advise anyone as to what to do in terms of any
medications that one might choose to take.
However, what I do have is an awareness and a life experience that
has been helpful, and if you can relate to my experience, and
would like to speak on it more, I invite you to be in touch.
I might just be a person who can understand what you are going
through, and I might be able to help. There is nothing worse
than suffering when you feel that no one can help or understand.
When I finally got clear about a few things, my world shifted.
I was truly amazed at what a difference a perspective could make
But, oh boy, what a journey to get here!
For several years, I worked in corporate America. Long before numerous job changes were as common as they are now, I figured out at one point that I had had an average of 10 jobs in 10 years. Two of the jobs were because I had moved to a different state, and 3 of them were layoffs, 2 in one year.
When I got laid off from the last of my corporate jobs, I was determined to make a change.
The only thing I knew was that I wanted to work with people.
My journey has taken several twists and turns, and today I find myself helping people be true to their selves by finding peace and direction within.
I have a unique, fun and offbeat style that is all my own, and a soothing voice which make people feel instantly "at home," and at ease when speaking with me (so I have been told :-)).
In the last 8 years, I have worked with clients primarily over the phone and have had over 10,000 conversations with clients working in the roles of Life Coach, Certified Hypnotist, Intuitive, and Healer.
Visit my blog WorldofPerspective.com or find out more about the other things I do at JoLoPe.NeT.
